Hole.

I honestly feel like there is some sort of hole or void in my body. Whenever I watch a baby show, or even just think of babies, I seriously almost FEEL it inside. It's an ache inside me. Its hard to explain. I want to be a mother so incredibly bad. I'm just so frustrated with our situation. It would be so irresponsible to get pregnant right now, with both of us being laid off a few months back. And I'm also angry, because my previous work laying both my husband and I off SO suddenly and at the same time, for bullcrap reasons. Claiming they want to cut $25,000 a MONTH off payroll, yet WE were the only ones laid off. Being told for a year, that if it ever came down to us needing to get laid off, they would let us know LONG in advance to try to help us so we could get another job. I'm so ANGRY with them. YET, at the same time, we were SO miserable there. But I just keep thinking how if it wasn't for them laying us off, we could be actively trying to conceive our child right now. So knowing that I HAVE to put getting pregnant on hold is KILLING me. Thursday Louie and I are going to the doctor, mostly for me to just get an all around physical, and talk to my doctor about my irregular cycles and what she thinks of (eventually) me having to take possibly Clomid. My mom had fertility issues, and I'm 90% positive I will also. Especially with my irregular cycles. My last was back in February. But yet the pills I was prescribed to take to start my period, I can't take if I'm TRYING to get pregnant. So I want to talk to the doctor about all our options and what she thinks we should do. I know God has a plan, and that our time will come. I just feel heartbroken and frustrated.

I recently took a test (one of THREE) to try to get a job at a school district near us. I feel discouraged though because I walk in and the booklet we tested out of was literally like 90 pages. It was like a SAT test! Not to mention, theres only 5 vacancies for the particular position, and there was a classroom FULL of people along with me. And when people finished and left, the lady would come around and replace new booklets. SO I'm hoping it was for a different test for another position. Otherwise, theres even more people I'm up against. The test wasn't easy either. And I won't find out for a few WEEKS the lady said to find out if I passed. IF I pass this test I have to go back to take a written test, if I pass that then I have to go back to take a data entry test THEN if I pass that then I will have a panel interview. It's like I'm trying to be the dang principle! Ugh! I can't tell you how many times I prayed in that classroom. I hope I passed. I've been emailing other christian schools locally but as of yet I've had no luck. I hope something comes along soon! Next month is my husbands test for the pipe fitters union also. He's been doing math tutoring so I'm hoping he'll do good as well. We need this so badly! So please say a few prayers for our little family if you wouldn't mind. Thank you <3