I honestly feel like there is some sort of hole or void in my body. Whenever I watch a baby show, or even just think of babies, I seriously almost FEEL it inside. It's an ache inside me. Its hard to explain. I want to be a mother so incredibly bad. I'm just so frustrated with our situation. It would be so irresponsible to get pregnant right now, with both of us being laid off a few months back. And I'm also angry, because my previous work laying both my husband and I off SO suddenly and at the same time, for bullcrap reasons. Claiming they want to cut $25,000 a MONTH off payroll, yet WE were the only ones laid off. Being told for a year, that if it ever came down to us needing to get laid off, they would let us know LONG in advance to try to help us so we could get another job. I'm so ANGRY with them. YET, at the same time, we were SO miserable there. But I just keep thinking how if it wasn't for them laying us off, we could be actively trying to conceive our child right now. So knowing that I HAVE to put getting pregnant on hold is KILLING me. Thursday Louie and I are going to the doctor, mostly for me to just get an all around physical, and talk to my doctor about my irregular cycles and what she thinks of (eventually) me having to take possibly Clomid. My mom had fertility issues, and I'm 90% positive I will also. Especially with my irregular cycles. My last was back in February. But yet the pills I was prescribed to take to start my period, I can't take if I'm TRYING to get pregnant. So I want to talk to the doctor about all our options and what she thinks we should do. I know God has a plan, and that our time will come. I just feel heartbroken and frustrated.
I recently took a test (one of THREE) to try to get a job at a school district near us. I feel discouraged though because I walk in and the booklet we tested out of was literally like 90 pages. It was like a SAT test! Not to mention, theres only 5 vacancies for the particular position, and there was a classroom FULL of people along with me. And when people finished and left, the lady would come around and replace new booklets. SO I'm hoping it was for a different test for another position. Otherwise, theres even more people I'm up against. The test wasn't easy either. And I won't find out for a few WEEKS the lady said to find out if I passed. IF I pass this test I have to go back to take a written test, if I pass that then I have to go back to take a data entry test THEN if I pass that then I will have a panel interview. It's like I'm trying to be the dang principle! Ugh! I can't tell you how many times I prayed in that classroom. I hope I passed. I've been emailing other christian schools locally but as of yet I've had no luck. I hope something comes along soon! Next month is my husbands test for the pipe fitters union also. He's been doing math tutoring so I'm hoping he'll do good as well. We need this so badly! So please say a few prayers for our little family if you wouldn't mind. Thank you <3
let me just start by saying that i never thought i'd be having a baby for many reasons working against us. i too felt left out of this process that every woman seemed to be naturally a part of and wanted in!
ReplyDeletei was also laid off and have had a hard time trying to find full time work again. we figured thinking about getting pregnant during my lay off period wouldn't even be a problem... if it hadn't happened yet why now, right?
i've come to learn the very important lesson, everything in God's plan. now we have to find a way to get through with only one income. i'm not so worried though, we always find a way to get by. especially knowing that we could receive such an amazing miracle after so long.
my advice for you is not to worry so much about the timing, it will happen when you least expect it.
So sorry you are struggling! I'm hoping for you that what they say about one door closing and another one opening is true for you. Sometimes after a period of trial we receive blessings that were better than the ones we had before. I'll keep you in my thoughts! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI know that "empty" feeling alllll too well. I had it for a long time (and I already had Lani at that point!). When you want a baby, it seems to consume you. Be prepared for a lot of tests and trial and error with fertility treatment. It can be VERY stressful, which obviously doens't help when TTC! Chlomid didn't work for me, but then again we BOTH have fertility issues and were told that IVF may be the only option at this point. I was also told to lose weight, which I have done now, but I have to wait another year to start trying so that my body can adjust. At that point, I may not opt to try again with all the other changes in our lives, and me planning to join the army in a few years when my degree is complete!
ReplyDeleteI'll live vicariously through you and your pregnancy, because I KNOW it will happen for you. Start taking calcium and prenatals now and try to lose a few pounds in the process. That's what they told me at first. Omar was taking some supplements to help with his end also. You can google what helps for men. :)
Good luck with all the other testing! Sounds like a PROCESS! whew!