Struggling

I decided it was time for a little Trying To Conceive update. And boy do I have one...and not a good one at that.

Let me just say, at the moment, I am very bitter, angry, sad etc. So I'm sorry if someone takes offense to anything I say because I'm being completely honest and raw right now. But please, try to put yourself in my shoes before you judge.

I am turning 25 this year. Am I worried my womanly clock is ticking away? No. But don't tell me "Oh your young, relax". If I have a dollar for every.damn.time I've heard that, I would be RICH. Please try to remember, I have been married since I was 19 years old. We have never prevented, and I've always wanted to get pregnant. I've somewhat discussed this before. For years, I "relaxed". Its only been 2 years I have been "not relaxed" as the average person without infertility would say. I don't think some understand how taxing infertility can be on someone.

Someone with infertility doesn't get the luxury to relax. It just doesn't work that way. Please understand that. Its come to the conclusion, naturally will not work for us. May a miracle happen one day? Possibly. But its highly unlikely at this point. Would I love to be proven wrong and my body decide to work sooner than later? Hell yes. But again, highly unlikely.

If you do not have infertility, there is absolutely no way you can understand where I am coming from. Plain and simple. Or if you've never tried to have a child. You just don't understand. And that's fine! I get that, but at the same time, you have no place to try to tell me how I should get pregnant. Or how you knew this person who blah blah blah, or that you read something online that said blah blah blah. Trust me. I have tried EVERYTHING in the book (with the exception of perscription fertility drugs, IUI, etc etc). If you've had children easily. Realize how extremely LUCKY you are.

I often think some people think when I talk about my struggles, that I'm saying I would love my child more simply because it was harder for me to bring them into this world versus someone who could get pregnant on the first try (or fairly quickly), is this true? Absolutely not. But will I have more of an appreciation sometimes? Maybe. Its hard to find the right words when I'm trying to explain that. Maybe even appreciation isn't even the word I'm looking for. Either way, more than likely, the "average" person would probably get offended and defensive no matter how I try to explain it. Why? Because they have NO CLUE how infertility feels. Its that simple. Same goes for me, I have no idea how it feels to not have infertility I suppose.

This past cycle really messed with my head. I felt timing wise, we were perfect. We did all we could do, and it was just up to his soldiers and my egg. About a week after ovulation I started experiencing your average pregnancy symptoms. Ones I've never had before. I started taking pregnancy tests once my period was late, for two days they were negative. Until yesterday that is. Three tests had a faint (and I mean FAINT) line. Clear as day. Then, a few hours later. I threw up. How much more could my body scream "your pregnant!" at me. All I could do was Thank God. We got pregnant. On our own. RIGHT before we started treatment...

Then Aunt Flow decided to show up and laugh in my damn face. "Just Kidding!" I just want to sob. I'm so over this. This was my absolute worst cycle emotionally. Well, second worst next to the miscarriage. Someone asked me if maybe this is another chemical pregnancy. I don't know. Maybe it is. But one thing is for sure, and that is that I'm not pregnant. Again.

So at this point, I'm ready to throw in the towel. I give up. I'm pretty sure we won't be going through with the reproductive endocrinologist at this point either, not right now at least. Thinking of forking over hundreds and thousands of dollars right now, with no guarantee is dangerous for my sanity. Honestly. I already feel completely broken. Obviously, my mind could change in a week, a month, whatever. But I need some time. I need to be happy and in a good place. Maybe adoption is in our future. I completely embrace that. Would I love to have a child of our own? Yes. But being a mother is what is important to me. And if that means through adoption, then so be it. Regardless I will love my child till the ends of the earth, whether I give birth to them or not.

So please, just don't tell me what you think I should do. Or any other unsolicited advice. I appreciate your support, and that you care. But that's all I need. I just need you to be there for us. Support our decisions. Whether you think they are the right ones or not.

I just need a break...

Boysenberry Bars

Boysenberry Bars~

These are SO easy and delicious! I've been making these for awhile now, and have used other jams but this so far is our favorite way to make them. :)

• 1 3/4 sticks salted butter, melted
• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 1/2 cup quick cooking oats
• 1 cup packed brown sugar
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
• 12 oz (give or take) boysenberry jam (or your favorite kind!)

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Butter a 9-by-13-inch rectangular pan.

Mix together the butter, flour, oats, brown sugar, baking powder, cinnamon and salt. Press half the oat mixture into the prepared pan. Spread with the strawberry preserves. Sprinkle the other half of the oat mixture over the top and pat lightly. Bake until light brown, 30 to 40 minutes. Let cool completely, and then cut into squares. Keep an eye that they don't bake too quickly. Start checking at around 30 minutes. You definitely don't want these to burn! :)

Stuffed Bell Peppers

Stuffed Bell Peppers

4-6 Servings

This is one of my old recipes that I have replaced beef with veggie protein "meat". We honestly cannot tell the difference but you can definitely use ground beef or ground turkey for this recipe.

This recipe makes quite a bit of filling. We usually have left over filling we use for burritos for lunches because we only make 4 peppers, but if you probably used 6 it would fill all of them.

Ingredients:

4-6 Bell Peppers
1 package veggie protein meat (or 1 lb beef)
1/2 can corn
1/2 cup tomato sauce
1 small onion chopped
3 cloves garlic chopped
1.5 cups cheese (cheddar or jack works well....even better both!)
1.5-2 cups cooked brown rice (you could also use white rice if you prefer)
Taco Seasoning
Salt & Pepper
Cayenne Pepper
Chili Powder
Cumin
Oregano
(notice I didn't put measurements on the spice because I just sprinkle them in until it has the flavor I'm looking for)

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Cut tops off of the bell peppers and remove the seeds and membranes.

Bring a large pot of water to a boil, drop your peppers in and boil for a couple minutes. Let aside to cool.

In a large pan, add your veggie protein (this is what I use, its our favorite!)

...or your meat. Along with the onions, and if you wanted to chop up the tops of the bell peppers after remove the stem add those in as well.

Let cook for a few minutes, and add your garlic, corn, tomato sauce and spices.

Cook for an additional 5-7 minutes. Add rice and cheese. Stir to combine. Keep a little cheese leftover to top your peppers with.

**the rice I use is trader joes frozen brown rice. They sell it in a box and I believe it comes with three seperate servings. It is the perfect amount for this recipe!

Once filling is combined, stuff your peppers.

Bake for 25 minutes.

Remove and top with remaining cheese. Let bake for another 5 minutes for cheese to melt.


Here is what it looks like cut in half!

Enjoy!

Vegetarian Enchiladas

So this is one of those recipes that you can mix up and make your own way. But I thought I'd share with you, MY way of making them.

I used to make chicken enchiladas, but since becoming vegetarian, I threw these together one night and we loved them MORE! But like I said, you could totally add chicken, or any other kind of meat you'd like.

Again, like I've said in other countless blog posts with my recipes, I hardly measure anything! But this is a very close estimate to what I did, you may want to add more or less!

Sauce:
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 tsp cumin
1/4 cup flour
large spoonful of tomato paste, probably a tablespoon and a half give or take
14.5 oz vegetable broth
1/2 cup water
2 teaspoons taco seasoning
1/2 teaspoon chili powder
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
Sprinkle of cayenne pepper
Salt and Pepper to taste
2 or so tablespoons of sour cream

Enchiladas:
1.5 cups of pepper jack cheese
1.5 cups cheddar cheese
half a can of black beans
1/2 onion chopped
1/2 bell pepper chopped
half can of corn
6 green onions thinly sliced
3 cloves of garlic minced
7-8 flour tortillas (I can't stand corn tortillas but you can use those if you like them better!)

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

In a saucepan heat the olive oil and cumin, flour and tomato paste. Cook a few minutes, whisking.

Whisk in broth, spices and water. Bring to a boil and simmer until thickened. Once it has thickened whisk in your sour cream. ***Let me just add, when I first made this sauce, it tasted "ok" but I didn't think we would like it very much. I believe its one of those sauces that doesn't taste that great by itself, but once its poured over the enchiladas, and baked, it is SO SO good!

Meanwhile, saute your bell pepper, onion and garlic in olive oil until onions are translucent.

Mix in a bowl all the filling ingredients, make note to only use 1 cup of each of the cheddar and jack cheese so your left with 1/2 cup of each cheese to top the enchiladas with.

Lightly spray your 9x13 baking dish with pam.

Heat tortillas in the microwave so they don't split when you fill and roll them.

Fill tortillas and place in your baking dish. Pour sauce over the enchiladas and top with the remaining cheese.

Bake for 15-20 minutes.

Remove and let cool for a few minutes.

I topped mine with some additional green onions, and served the enchiladas with some sliced cabbage and diced tomatoes from my garden!

Enjoy!

Ps. These are even better the next day!! :)