Time Will Heal

Time will heal, I just keep telling myself that these days. Physically I am feeling much better, but emotionally, I go back and forth. I start to think that I am feeling more like myself and accepting what happened, and then I see someone that's pregnant, or I notice the baby books on my dining room table that have sat there since before I started bleeding, or like last night, I have a dream that I am still pregnant. Then I wake up into this harsh reality.

I have so many fears. Fears that my body will never allow me to become a mother and to bring a precious child into this life. At this moment in time, I feel that if I suffered another loss it would absolutely break me. Of course, this is still fresh and new, and I still have these raw emotions but its still frightening.

Every time I start to feel somewhat happy, or at least normal, I instantly feel guilty. I lost a child, and I feel as if I shouldn't be laughing at anything right now. Of course I know that is not true. But with happiness, my brain instantly reminds me of the sadness.

Hearing someone talk about their pregnancy or their baby just kills me right now. I get so angry and sad. Thinking why I wasn't allowed to keep my baby? Why did my child have to be ripped away from me? I see this 16 and Pregnant show and Teen Mom and I wonder why these girls were able to get pregnant and keep their babies and I'm not?

I have friends who are pregnant right now, and don't get me wrong, I am elated for them. It just hurts. Hurts that for such a short time, I was pregnant too, I had dreams, and imagined my little child going camping and fishing with their grandpa and grandma to the same campground they took me too, I pictured us taking them to Disneyland and buying them their first mickey ears and just seeing the excitement in their eyes as they saw how magical everything was, Christmas mornings drinking egg nog and seeing that the cookies we baked the night before were nibbled on by Santa. It kills me those dreams were ripped away from me. I pray that one day we get to experience those dreams, but at this point in time, right this second, I have no faith in my body. I honestly feel that theres a chance that will never happen for us.

But, again, I have to keep telling myself time will heal. I have to keep telling myself that the Lord will make us parents, someday. I have to believe in that. Even if its hard right now.