A dream is a wish your heart makes

I cannot believe, that just a couple weeks ago as I wrote the blog on my thoughts of becoming a mother and my struggles that it would in fact be the month that my husband and I conceived. I am still in complete shock and disbelief.

Friday, June 17, I took a pregnancy test and I swore it was negative. I thought I was seeing things and there may have been a second line, but it was THAT faint that I assumed I was seeing things. Little did I know, my eyes were not playing tricks on me. Since the beginning of that week I had been having cramping. I assumed meaning my period was starting. But they usually never last longer than a day or two. I just figured my body yet again was doing something weird.

Then we go on our Queen Mary trip from the contest we won, it was a great weekend. More on that in maybe another blog :)

So then by Tuesday, June 21, my period still hadn't come, and Louie told me I should test. I overslept big time that morning, and I didn't know why. So I reluctantly went in to take the test. I was sure it was a negative, as it usually is, and it never gets any easier to see "negative". So I took the test, and it takes at least 5 minutes for the results. I set my timer, and did some things around the house until it went off. I went into the bathroom and almost fainted. There was a second line. A faint, but obvious second line.

I immediately RAN out of the house and drove to rite aid to get a digital test. There is something about just seeing the word rather than the line that makes it more real.

I come home and immediately take the digital test. And up comes the word. The most beautiful word in the English language. Pregnant.

I am pregnant. PREGNANT! I couldn't believe it. I was pregnant the whole time I thought that I wasn't! I was and still am in utter disbelief. After so many years of wishing and wanting this, it was real.

I always wanted to be the person who surprises their loved ones in person by cute little ways, but I am too impatient for that. Pretty much everyone I knew, found out by by 4pm. I know the "norm" is to wait a while before telling people, until your in the "safe zone" but I have waited so long for this I wanted to scream it from the rooftops! We recently switched insurances with Louies new job so I had to pick new doctors. I scheduled my appointments with my obgyn, but couldn't get in to see her until July 15 with as early as I am. That seems like a lifetime away. So I made an appt with a family doctor to see if she would check my hcg levels. That was yesterday. After my appointment I needed to go grocery shopping and then to costco. I noticed throughout the day I was spotting brown blood a little. Then at costco I just wanted to sit down, I just didn't feel right, so I listened to my body and came straight home instead of running a few other errands. Later that night I noticed some red blood, not bright but red none the less. There is NOTHING scarier than seeing blood. I continued to spot that night a little but thankfully no more red. I still panicked. I went in laid in bed and just cried. I desperately want this child, I already love them so much. I've loved them since before I was even pregnant. To think of loosing them is too much to bear. Louie came in and we talked, and he told me he was now my doctor and ordering me to be on bed rest. That he would take care of cooking, cleaning, and me for a few days. I love him.

So far today I still have had some brown spotting but not too much. I truly understand spotting can be harmless in pregnancy, but it still scares me. Ive still been taking pregnancy tests every day to try and see the lines get darker, which they were, until today. Today's line was as light as about the first test I took on the 21st when I found out I was pregnant. I hope that's not a bad sign. The nurse called earlier today to confirm my pregnancy but that my hcg levels were not in yet. I should find out by next week since its the weekend. I have been so scared with just the week I have known I'm pregnant, and I just want some sort of confirmation that my baby is ok, and that they are getting as snuggled up as they can be inside me and will grow. Until then, I don't think I will be able to relax completely. The spotting seems to come and go, I'll have some, then I won't, so I hope that its harmless, and my cramping has been going away little by little as well.

I've waited so long for this pregnancy I hope that everything is ok. I find myself too afraid to get too excited. I really would love to start writing in a pregnancy journal or buy a couple baby outfits to celebrate (not that I don't already have two bags FULL of baby outfits I've gotten over the years lol) but I just cant bring myself to do it yet. I am too terrified that I would start writing in the journal and not get to finish it. I know I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts, and BELIEVE ME, I don't want to. Granted, its still new, I've only known for 4 days. I'm sure as time goes on and everything looks good I won't feel this way anymore.

If you pray, please pray for me and our little bean. I am due (as of right now since its still too soon to see the baby on an ultrasound) February 16, 2012. :)