Struggling

I decided it was time for a little Trying To Conceive update. And boy do I have one...and not a good one at that.

Let me just say, at the moment, I am very bitter, angry, sad etc. So I'm sorry if someone takes offense to anything I say because I'm being completely honest and raw right now. But please, try to put yourself in my shoes before you judge.

I am turning 25 this year. Am I worried my womanly clock is ticking away? No. But don't tell me "Oh your young, relax". If I have a dollar for every.damn.time I've heard that, I would be RICH. Please try to remember, I have been married since I was 19 years old. We have never prevented, and I've always wanted to get pregnant. I've somewhat discussed this before. For years, I "relaxed". Its only been 2 years I have been "not relaxed" as the average person without infertility would say. I don't think some understand how taxing infertility can be on someone.

Someone with infertility doesn't get the luxury to relax. It just doesn't work that way. Please understand that. Its come to the conclusion, naturally will not work for us. May a miracle happen one day? Possibly. But its highly unlikely at this point. Would I love to be proven wrong and my body decide to work sooner than later? Hell yes. But again, highly unlikely.

If you do not have infertility, there is absolutely no way you can understand where I am coming from. Plain and simple. Or if you've never tried to have a child. You just don't understand. And that's fine! I get that, but at the same time, you have no place to try to tell me how I should get pregnant. Or how you knew this person who blah blah blah, or that you read something online that said blah blah blah. Trust me. I have tried EVERYTHING in the book (with the exception of perscription fertility drugs, IUI, etc etc). If you've had children easily. Realize how extremely LUCKY you are.

I often think some people think when I talk about my struggles, that I'm saying I would love my child more simply because it was harder for me to bring them into this world versus someone who could get pregnant on the first try (or fairly quickly), is this true? Absolutely not. But will I have more of an appreciation sometimes? Maybe. Its hard to find the right words when I'm trying to explain that. Maybe even appreciation isn't even the word I'm looking for. Either way, more than likely, the "average" person would probably get offended and defensive no matter how I try to explain it. Why? Because they have NO CLUE how infertility feels. Its that simple. Same goes for me, I have no idea how it feels to not have infertility I suppose.

This past cycle really messed with my head. I felt timing wise, we were perfect. We did all we could do, and it was just up to his soldiers and my egg. About a week after ovulation I started experiencing your average pregnancy symptoms. Ones I've never had before. I started taking pregnancy tests once my period was late, for two days they were negative. Until yesterday that is. Three tests had a faint (and I mean FAINT) line. Clear as day. Then, a few hours later. I threw up. How much more could my body scream "your pregnant!" at me. All I could do was Thank God. We got pregnant. On our own. RIGHT before we started treatment...

Then Aunt Flow decided to show up and laugh in my damn face. "Just Kidding!" I just want to sob. I'm so over this. This was my absolute worst cycle emotionally. Well, second worst next to the miscarriage. Someone asked me if maybe this is another chemical pregnancy. I don't know. Maybe it is. But one thing is for sure, and that is that I'm not pregnant. Again.

So at this point, I'm ready to throw in the towel. I give up. I'm pretty sure we won't be going through with the reproductive endocrinologist at this point either, not right now at least. Thinking of forking over hundreds and thousands of dollars right now, with no guarantee is dangerous for my sanity. Honestly. I already feel completely broken. Obviously, my mind could change in a week, a month, whatever. But I need some time. I need to be happy and in a good place. Maybe adoption is in our future. I completely embrace that. Would I love to have a child of our own? Yes. But being a mother is what is important to me. And if that means through adoption, then so be it. Regardless I will love my child till the ends of the earth, whether I give birth to them or not.

So please, just don't tell me what you think I should do. Or any other unsolicited advice. I appreciate your support, and that you care. But that's all I need. I just need you to be there for us. Support our decisions. Whether you think they are the right ones or not.

I just need a break...

Follow Up Appointment

So today I gained hope. Something I didn't think I would say two weeks ago.

Today I had an appointment with my obgyn. I never got to see her while being pregnant so I had no idea how it would go.

I was thankful that my husband was able to take me, I knew it would be a hard appointment. We got to the office, and waited in the waiting room for about 45 minutes which was the worst part. It was absolute torture sitting in a room surrounded by pregnant women waiting to see their babies, and hear their heart beats, while I was sitting there because I lost my baby.

Finally, we got in and the doctor told me that there was no need to do a blood test to make sure my levels were normal because at the ER they were already only a 3. And just a couple days beforehand when I got my blood drawn at the family doctors office, my levels were only a 16. Not good at all. So she did an exam and said things looked to be back to normal. And as difficult as it is 20% of all first time pregnancies end in miscarriage. Sometimes theres no way to know why. I came in with a list to things I wanted to see if I could get tested for, since I thought we would still be doing a blood test but she said that they normally do not test for issues like that until after my second miscarriage in a row. I explained my story to her and she seemed optimistic that we would conceive and bring a baby to term. She did say a culprit could have been my elevated thyroid levels. I tend to think that is why I lost the baby as well. Part of me hopes that's the case simply because it is now getting under control since I have my medication back again. So if it was the issue, it shouldn't be an issue again. She said we could try to conceive as soon as I get my next menstrual which could take 4-6 weeks, and when I get the confirmation the my thyroid levels are normal again.

It was so strange that prior to the appointment I was bound and determined we would not try again for months. Yet, hearing her optimism, and hearing my body was back to normal gave me hope I didn't expect to gain. It gave hope to my husband as well. As soon as we were leaving the room, he told me "As soon as you feel your up to trying again, I want to as soon as possible". I can't say how nice it is to know and hear him talk about how badly he wants to be a father the way I want to be a mother. And to know we are on the same page. It was funny because I was thinking the same thing. I never expected to walk out of there today and wanting to try again as soon as we could.

So now we wait. August 4 is when I go back to my family doctor to have them draw more blood to make sure the dosage of my thyroid medication is what I need to be taking, and that will be my 6th week after the miscarriage. So, if my period hasn't come by that point hopefully it will very soon and then we can continue this crazy journey of finally becoming parents.

Thank you to all the prayers, thoughts, and bible verses you all have sent me. I'm pretty blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives!