Struggling

I decided it was time for a little Trying To Conceive update. And boy do I have one...and not a good one at that.

Let me just say, at the moment, I am very bitter, angry, sad etc. So I'm sorry if someone takes offense to anything I say because I'm being completely honest and raw right now. But please, try to put yourself in my shoes before you judge.

I am turning 25 this year. Am I worried my womanly clock is ticking away? No. But don't tell me "Oh your young, relax". If I have a dollar for every.damn.time I've heard that, I would be RICH. Please try to remember, I have been married since I was 19 years old. We have never prevented, and I've always wanted to get pregnant. I've somewhat discussed this before. For years, I "relaxed". Its only been 2 years I have been "not relaxed" as the average person without infertility would say. I don't think some understand how taxing infertility can be on someone.

Someone with infertility doesn't get the luxury to relax. It just doesn't work that way. Please understand that. Its come to the conclusion, naturally will not work for us. May a miracle happen one day? Possibly. But its highly unlikely at this point. Would I love to be proven wrong and my body decide to work sooner than later? Hell yes. But again, highly unlikely.

If you do not have infertility, there is absolutely no way you can understand where I am coming from. Plain and simple. Or if you've never tried to have a child. You just don't understand. And that's fine! I get that, but at the same time, you have no place to try to tell me how I should get pregnant. Or how you knew this person who blah blah blah, or that you read something online that said blah blah blah. Trust me. I have tried EVERYTHING in the book (with the exception of perscription fertility drugs, IUI, etc etc). If you've had children easily. Realize how extremely LUCKY you are.

I often think some people think when I talk about my struggles, that I'm saying I would love my child more simply because it was harder for me to bring them into this world versus someone who could get pregnant on the first try (or fairly quickly), is this true? Absolutely not. But will I have more of an appreciation sometimes? Maybe. Its hard to find the right words when I'm trying to explain that. Maybe even appreciation isn't even the word I'm looking for. Either way, more than likely, the "average" person would probably get offended and defensive no matter how I try to explain it. Why? Because they have NO CLUE how infertility feels. Its that simple. Same goes for me, I have no idea how it feels to not have infertility I suppose.

This past cycle really messed with my head. I felt timing wise, we were perfect. We did all we could do, and it was just up to his soldiers and my egg. About a week after ovulation I started experiencing your average pregnancy symptoms. Ones I've never had before. I started taking pregnancy tests once my period was late, for two days they were negative. Until yesterday that is. Three tests had a faint (and I mean FAINT) line. Clear as day. Then, a few hours later. I threw up. How much more could my body scream "your pregnant!" at me. All I could do was Thank God. We got pregnant. On our own. RIGHT before we started treatment...

Then Aunt Flow decided to show up and laugh in my damn face. "Just Kidding!" I just want to sob. I'm so over this. This was my absolute worst cycle emotionally. Well, second worst next to the miscarriage. Someone asked me if maybe this is another chemical pregnancy. I don't know. Maybe it is. But one thing is for sure, and that is that I'm not pregnant. Again.

So at this point, I'm ready to throw in the towel. I give up. I'm pretty sure we won't be going through with the reproductive endocrinologist at this point either, not right now at least. Thinking of forking over hundreds and thousands of dollars right now, with no guarantee is dangerous for my sanity. Honestly. I already feel completely broken. Obviously, my mind could change in a week, a month, whatever. But I need some time. I need to be happy and in a good place. Maybe adoption is in our future. I completely embrace that. Would I love to have a child of our own? Yes. But being a mother is what is important to me. And if that means through adoption, then so be it. Regardless I will love my child till the ends of the earth, whether I give birth to them or not.

So please, just don't tell me what you think I should do. Or any other unsolicited advice. I appreciate your support, and that you care. But that's all I need. I just need you to be there for us. Support our decisions. Whether you think they are the right ones or not.

I just need a break...

RE Appointment & Experiencing Birth..in person!

So the 18th of January was my Reproductive Endocrinologist appointment. Since its been a crazy couple of days, I will try to recount the appointment as best as possible.

First thing that morning I RUSHED (and yes, sped a little bit,shh!) to the office to drop off the specimen for the semen analysis. Luckily I got there within 25 minutes, and they told me within an hour was perfect, so I felt good about that. I was so anxious but as soon as I dropped it off, I instantly felt more at ease knowing that part was over with.

After the appointment I went straight to one of my best friends house, Lauren, who had a prenatal appointment later that morning. She was 38 weeks pregnant with her little boy. I have been going to pretty much every appointment with her and we were in the home stretch which was pretty exciting. After her appointment we had lunch and just killed some time till my appointment, which I was grateful for because I knew I would be super anxious otherwise!

Time came for my appointment, and the first doctor I saw was the medical director of the facility. We went over my history, and after that she explained to me the semen analysis results...they were fantastic!! I was so relieved. One piece of the puzzle was solved. We discussed some treatment plans, and what might happen if they didn't work. From there, I spoke to another doctor. She was much more laid back and very funny. She explained to me that she wouldn't be surprised if I had Polycystic  Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). The first doctor didn't mention that, so I'm hoping that isn't the case. Although, its been my suspicion for years, its just no doctor would ever take me seriously. I understand it won't be the end of the world if I DO have PCOS, but it will make conceiving THAT much more difficult.

Basically in summary they would like me to start taking Clomid. She said she would like to try that for 3-4 cycles to see if it works. No more than that because over time Clomid tends to thin out your uterine wall which she doesn't want to happen. I asked if I needed to have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and she said not right now. If Louie happened to have had low sperm count or something was bad on his side, then she would recommend it, but since that isn't the case, and I was able to conceive in June naturally even though it ended in a loss she doesn't think I need it. BUT, if the fertility medications do not help and we have to move onto IUI or IVF then yes, a HSG will be done prior to those. I will be coming in on cycle day 3 or 4 to have some ultrasounds done in order to check out how everything looks. Even if I do happen to have PCOS, I will still be taking Clomid but they will also prescribe Metformin as well. Which I have been on in the past.

After speaking with her regarding treatment plans, I went to see a nurse who did blood work on me, which was to see my ovarian reserve. I should be getting those results in a few days.

Only problem that I discovered once I got home that night was next month, when all this is supposed to happen, I will be on a mini trip with my mom to Arizona...right when I'm in my fertile window. SO all of this might have to be postponed until March. Which is frustrating, but not the end of the world.

I felt really good about the appointment though. I was relieved that it began with good news. I am scared though. I just have this feeling that Clomid wont work. I have this feeling inside that its just not going to happen for us. Financially IVF is so out of reach right now, especially since our insurance basically covers NOTHING. But I'm trying not to get to ahead of myself. I will be praying and hoping that clomid works. I pray that will be the thing we will have needed all along. But it almost sounds too good to be true. That Clomid is too easy. Again, I'm trying NOT to have these thoughts, but when you have been trying for so many years, its hard not to feel that way.

The next evening, I got a phone call Lauren was getting really bad contractions, but they were so irregular we didn't think it could possibly be active labor yet. Turns out, they were! By the time she got to the hospital she was 6 cm! I rushed out of the house (around midnight, no sleep lol!) and drove the 45 minute drive, the whole time afraid I was going to miss the whole thing. Luckily, I didn't, and she hadn't progressed much since the phone call. She was in so much pain, and shortly after I arrived she got the epidural. I was able to watch it being done...and I totally cried. It looked so horrible, but she was so strong, and said it wasn't that bad. Scared me to death though. Not to long later they broke her water for her, and afterwards thanks to the epidural she was able to get some sleep. Unfortunately the rocking chair I was in, was not built for sleeping, so I couldn't get any sleep! They checked her a few hours later and she was 10 cm! She still felt nothing! The doctor came in, and within a few pushes baby Izzy made his appearance. I was so grateful and blessed to be with her and her boyfriend, during such a life changing moment for them. I was glad I was able to witness birth in person, instead of through a 30 minute TV show on TLC. lol! But at the same time...I won't lie, it scared me to death. It scared me so much, for when its me. I don't know how to explain it. Not that its changed my desire to become a mother by ANY means, but boy, it was definitely scary. I'm sure that by the time its me, the excitement to meet my child will overcome the fear of the changes my body is making and the pain associated with those changes.

Overall though, I was so happy to experience it with them, especially after anticipating his arrival for so long! :)

First family photo with baby Izzy