Thursday, June 30, 2011


I wanted to share a couple crafts I have done recently with you. Unfortunately all I have are crappy iphone pictures, BUT thats ok.

The first one I did was for my best friend. She recently moved into a new house, so I wanted to make her a little housewarming gift. She is a huge Harry Potter fan, so I decided to make her a Novel wreath, and used the entire Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire to make it. Took QUITE awhile, but I really love the way it turned out.

Another craft I made was a button bouquet. I wanted to make one to put on the shelf that holds all my buttons for my craft room. I think its totally cute, and love the way it turned out. Only took probably about an hour to make.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Time Will Heal

Time will heal, I just keep telling myself that these days. Physically I am feeling much better, but emotionally, I go back and forth. I start to think that I am feeling more like myself and accepting what happened, and then I see someone that's pregnant, or I notice the baby books on my dining room table that have sat there since before I started bleeding, or like last night, I have a dream that I am still pregnant. Then I wake up into this harsh reality.

I have so many fears. Fears that my body will never allow me to become a mother and to bring a precious child into this life. At this moment in time, I feel that if I suffered another loss it would absolutely break me. Of course, this is still fresh and new, and I still have these raw emotions but its still frightening.

Every time I start to feel somewhat happy, or at least normal, I instantly feel guilty. I lost a child, and I feel as if I shouldn't be laughing at anything right now. Of course I know that is not true. But with happiness, my brain instantly reminds me of the sadness.

Hearing someone talk about their pregnancy or their baby just kills me right now. I get so angry and sad. Thinking why I wasn't allowed to keep my baby? Why did my child have to be ripped away from me? I see this 16 and Pregnant show and Teen Mom and I wonder why these girls were able to get pregnant and keep their babies and I'm not?

I have friends who are pregnant right now, and don't get me wrong, I am elated for them. It just hurts. Hurts that for such a short time, I was pregnant too, I had dreams, and imagined my little child going camping and fishing with their grandpa and grandma to the same campground they took me too, I pictured us taking them to Disneyland and buying them their first mickey ears and just seeing the excitement in their eyes as they saw how magical everything was, Christmas mornings drinking egg nog and seeing that the cookies we baked the night before were nibbled on by Santa. It kills me those dreams were ripped away from me. I pray that one day we get to experience those dreams, but at this point in time, right this second, I have no faith in my body. I honestly feel that theres a chance that will never happen for us.

But, again, I have to keep telling myself time will heal. I have to keep telling myself that the Lord will make us parents, someday. I have to believe in that. Even if its hard right now.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Heart Broken

Its horrible to even imagine, as I was writing my last blog I was in the process of loosing my baby. I think part of me knew it though. From the start I felt in my bones something wasn't right. All my doctors literally shrugged me off, and didn't listen to my concerns. Could it have been prevented? Probably not. But it would have been nice to be listened to and taken seriously.

Saturday morning I woke up at 2:30 in the morning with horrible pain, loosing a lot of blood and felt like I was going to pass out. My husband rushed me to the ER and our fears were confirmed after blood tests and ultrasounds... We had lost our child.

I am in a very bad place emotionally, as well as physically. We desperately wanted this child, and to have it ripped away from us, terrifies me to ever try this again. I want to be a mother with every FIBER of my being, but this experience has scared me more than I could have ever imagined. I know time will heal. But getting to that place of peace again is what's so hard.

Thank you to everyone for being so supportive, and thank you to my husband for being so great to me.

Friday, June 24, 2011

A dream is a wish your heart makes

I cannot believe, that just a couple weeks ago as I wrote the blog on my thoughts of becoming a mother and my struggles that it would in fact be the month that my husband and I conceived. I am still in complete shock and disbelief.

Friday, June 17, I took a pregnancy test and I swore it was negative. I thought I was seeing things and there may have been a second line, but it was THAT faint that I assumed I was seeing things. Little did I know, my eyes were not playing tricks on me. Since the beginning of that week I had been having cramping. I assumed meaning my period was starting. But they usually never last longer than a day or two. I just figured my body yet again was doing something weird.

Then we go on our Queen Mary trip from the contest we won, it was a great weekend. More on that in maybe another blog :)

So then by Tuesday, June 21, my period still hadn't come, and Louie told me I should test. I overslept big time that morning, and I didn't know why. So I reluctantly went in to take the test. I was sure it was a negative, as it usually is, and it never gets any easier to see "negative". So I took the test, and it takes at least 5 minutes for the results. I set my timer, and did some things around the house until it went off. I went into the bathroom and almost fainted. There was a second line. A faint, but obvious second line.

I immediately RAN out of the house and drove to rite aid to get a digital test. There is something about just seeing the word rather than the line that makes it more real.

I come home and immediately take the digital test. And up comes the word. The most beautiful word in the English language. Pregnant.

I am pregnant. PREGNANT! I couldn't believe it. I was pregnant the whole time I thought that I wasn't! I was and still am in utter disbelief. After so many years of wishing and wanting this, it was real.

I always wanted to be the person who surprises their loved ones in person by cute little ways, but I am too impatient for that. Pretty much everyone I knew, found out by by 4pm. I know the "norm" is to wait a while before telling people, until your in the "safe zone" but I have waited so long for this I wanted to scream it from the rooftops! We recently switched insurances with Louies new job so I had to pick new doctors. I scheduled my appointments with my obgyn, but couldn't get in to see her until July 15 with as early as I am. That seems like a lifetime away. So I made an appt with a family doctor to see if she would check my hcg levels. That was yesterday. After my appointment I needed to go grocery shopping and then to costco. I noticed throughout the day I was spotting brown blood a little. Then at costco I just wanted to sit down, I just didn't feel right, so I listened to my body and came straight home instead of running a few other errands. Later that night I noticed some red blood, not bright but red none the less. There is NOTHING scarier than seeing blood. I continued to spot that night a little but thankfully no more red. I still panicked. I went in laid in bed and just cried. I desperately want this child, I already love them so much. I've loved them since before I was even pregnant. To think of loosing them is too much to bear. Louie came in and we talked, and he told me he was now my doctor and ordering me to be on bed rest. That he would take care of cooking, cleaning, and me for a few days. I love him.

So far today I still have had some brown spotting but not too much. I truly understand spotting can be harmless in pregnancy, but it still scares me. Ive still been taking pregnancy tests every day to try and see the lines get darker, which they were, until today. Today's line was as light as about the first test I took on the 21st when I found out I was pregnant. I hope that's not a bad sign. The nurse called earlier today to confirm my pregnancy but that my hcg levels were not in yet. I should find out by next week since its the weekend. I have been so scared with just the week I have known I'm pregnant, and I just want some sort of confirmation that my baby is ok, and that they are getting as snuggled up as they can be inside me and will grow. Until then, I don't think I will be able to relax completely. The spotting seems to come and go, I'll have some, then I won't, so I hope that its harmless, and my cramping has been going away little by little as well.

I've waited so long for this pregnancy I hope that everything is ok. I find myself too afraid to get too excited. I really would love to start writing in a pregnancy journal or buy a couple baby outfits to celebrate (not that I don't already have two bags FULL of baby outfits I've gotten over the years lol) but I just cant bring myself to do it yet. I am too terrified that I would start writing in the journal and not get to finish it. I know I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts, and BELIEVE ME, I don't want to. Granted, its still new, I've only known for 4 days. I'm sure as time goes on and everything looks good I won't feel this way anymore.

If you pray, please pray for me and our little bean. I am due (as of right now since its still too soon to see the baby on an ultrasound) February 16, 2012. :)

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Crockpot Pasta Sauce

Threw this together tonight and it turned out really, really yummy. I didn't take pictures since I hadn't tried it yet, but there really aren't that many steps anyway so I thought I would share. I used sausage for this but you could definitely use ground beef or turkey as well.

*1 28 oz can crushed tomatoes (my tomatoes come whole, peeled and with basil then I puree them)
*3-5 gloves of garlic minced
*1 pound sausage, casings removed (I used no anise sausage I get from our little Italian market, but use whatever your favorite sausage is, or use beef/turkey if you prefer)
*half an onion diced (Optional)
*half tablespoon sugar
*salt and pepper to taste

In a large pan, brown the meat and onions. Once browned (doesn't need to be fully cooked) add it to your crock pot.

Pour in tomato's, and add the spices and garlic. Stir together.

Cook on low for about 4-6 hours. My crock pot cooks very fast, so just keep an eye on it.

Serve over pasta! Top with Parmesan, or even a dollop of ricotta cheese. Very very simple and easy!

Monday, June 13, 2011


Don't you hate when you have the most vivid dream and you wake up and for a good few seconds you can't determine if it really happened or not? That happened to me two nights ago, and it STILL is very fresh in my mind.

In my dream, I woke up and took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. I couldn't believe it. I broke down crying, and was so happy. That day we apparently were going to my parents house I don't know what for, but it was at their old house and I remember sitting at the dining room table and my parents made a joke about me not being pregnant which really hurt, and under my breath I said "Well I am" and I remember my husband nudging me saying to hush or something. Then we needed to go to Rite Aid, and I decided to sneak off and get a digital test to just confirm I wasn't seeing things and my mom caught me buying the test. I remember caving and telling them then (What a memory, finding out in Rite Aid of all places lol!) though I don't remember their reaction. Then I remember texting a bunch of friends that live in the area still to see if they were home so we could go tell them the news in person, and thats when I woke up.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Many of you may not know that I have been married for just about six years, and throughout those six years I have desperately wanted to be a mother. My husband and I have left it into God's hands, and we assumed in time we would conceive. But, we haven't. So we have stepped it up and I have started tracking ovulation, temping, charting, taking different supplements that are supposed to help you conceive etc etc. Well, that's been a few months so far and still nothing. I'm not loosing hope though. I do believe with my whole heart we will be parents. One way or another. Some people just don't understand the absolute hole I have in my heart. A hole that can ONLY be filled by having a beautiful bouncing baby. Some might say "oh your young" or "oh babysit my kid for a weekend and you'll lose that baby fever". They do not understand that just stabs me in the heart a little more. No, I don't want to "babysit" your child. I want to become a MOTHER, something YOU have. Something many many women take for granted. The amount of complaints I hear or read on facebook from friends who are parents astound me. I can't wait for the morning sickness, the huge belly, the sleepless nights...I want it all, and I will appreciate and feel blessed with it all. So yesterday I was watching the Casey Anthony trial (which I have been completely engrossed in) and after the trial ended that show Cops came on. I was doing something and heard this woman, obviously on drugs or drunk getting arrested for prostitution and she was telling the police officer about her kids at home. I had a moment of feeling sorry for myself, and just upset in general. Why is it women like that can get pregnant over and over, and I can't? Do I have infertility? I don't know. But the thought of that scares me to death. And a friend who has gone through infertility who has a BEAUTIFUL daughter she has adopted sent me this little note, and it completely made me cry. It encompasses how I feel and is exactly what I needed to hear. I will not loose faith. I know one day I will be a mother, and be the best mother I possibly can be and relish in ALL of it, the good and the bad. Soak in every smile, every cry, and I will love my child with every single ounce in my body.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

Thank you Jodi for sending this to me. You are an inspiration to me, and a wonderful mother.